the phone call

Getting a phone call from Robert (my son's dad) make me flare up with all kinds of mixed feelings. 1. i haven't talked to him since .......
2. he asks about Javan. Apparently the UFC fight yesterday was held in L A and they dedicated it to the marines and Robert thought Javan went to it. (they use to watch UFC all the time together when Javan was here) but i told him That Javan is in 29 palms which is a training place and that is where Javan is. he will be there til the 29th. than he will come home in Dec. See, Robert doesn't know any of this, he last spoke to Javan about a month ago.
My communication with Robert is very hard. There is so much that can be conversed about but he shuts me out completely. this is why when he call, it trips me out. I HAVE NO CONTACT NUMBER FOR HIM. IF I HAD TO ABSOLUTELY GO TO WHERE HE LIVES, I WOULD BE YELLED AT BY HIS OTHER HOUSEHOLD MEMBERS. but Robert would talk to me at another location. Robert will steer away from anything i would ask about how he is or what he is doing. last i know, he got laid off from wal mart this year.
I guess for me it is a lot to intake when i communicate with Robert. I have for given . and yes i am a person of compassion, but there was a time when i lived for was Robert, Javan, and me,
Now well as we are all adults, I do encourage Javan to keep communication with his dad. I cannot force it. and Javan can make up his own decisions about his own way of accepting his dad.
Robert is a compassionate person and for him to call me It must have been weird but it is always weird for me too.
Our son is what we have in common. And i never took Javan or made Javan or bad mouth to Javan about his dad. Javan is lucky he has two people that care for him that we will keep amicable for him. I believe that Robert will know me best til the day i die! even if i change or be with another , he will know me.
I also know that my son Javan knows me best! he knows all i do is for him. even as the new stage of him being a young adult, okay MAN, we are learning about each other. Deep down tho i am always the mom, which i have to still be, in a whole new way!
I LOVE YOU JAMIE
I LOVE YOU JAVAN